Saturday, June 6, 2009

Tried to save myself, but myself keeps slipping away

The last update I made was the day before I left for The Wonder Years tour. It was a very good tour. That's about as much as I'd like to talk about touring.

Since tour, I've been going to Mike's and doing yoga. Last night we went for a jog for a while. Today I woke up to my Dad calling me to tell me he was going to stop by my Mom's for a minute. He found a handful of records in the trash at his work and he gave them to me. Some of them include: Cream - Wonderful, A Clockwork Orange Soundtrack, Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here, The Who - Tommy.

Last night Julia bought me these:

I feel like the Siamese Dream one is a little wobbly. Certain records are on my turntable, which leads me to believe that it's my turntable and not necessarily the records. I read this today and it reminded me that I'm not the only one to ever feel this way: "McCartney had insisted from the beginning of their marriage that his wife should be involved in his musical projects, so that they did not have to be apart when he was on tour."

Mike was showing me some Beatles stuff last night, videos, songs, etc. and I realized that they are amongst many essential bands that I have yet to really get into. Mike also brought up a good point though, he said that it might be a good thing that I waited because it's better to spread it out than to get into all this amazing music during one short time period.

Begin Depression (I'm giving you fair warning to skip this paragraph in order to keep yourself in a good mood):

I don't have many friends anymore really. Sometimes it makes me sad, sometimes it makes me happy, but most of the time I just don't care. When I go on tour only one person calls me. On this past tour no one outside my family called me. If Julia came with me on every tour, I could leave my phone behind and it wouldn't affect anyone. I feel so broken constantly. I feel so depressed all the time and I always think "how much more of this can I take before I just lose it?". Not "lose it" like go ballistic and go on a killing spree or anything, but just completely give up. But then I realize, I think I already have lost it. My own depression doesn't even dig me deeper anymore, it just repeatedly lets me know where I am, and where I've been for quite some time now. I don't make friends on tour, and I certainly don't make friends when I'm home. I don't want any more friends though. I don't feel close to anyone besides Julia. I'm sorry if this offends anyone, but it's how I feel. I know that I may share certain bonds with certain individuals, but that doesn't mean we are truly close. I would be sad if I lost the few friends that I have, but it wouldn't be like if I lost Julia. The way I am around her is as close to being "myself" as anyone's going to get. If I lost that, I would enter a state of mind that would eventually destroy me.

I'll end this section on a quote: “It is no surprise to me that hardly anyone tells the truth about how they feel. The smart ones keep themselves to themselves for good reason. Why would you want to tell anyone anything that's dear to you? Even when you like them and want nothing more than to be closer than close to them? It's so painful to be next to someone you feel strongly about and know you can't say the things you want to.”

/End Depression

Wednesday I saw Nine Inch Nails and Jane's Addiction with Julia, Eric, and my Dad. It was awesome. I'm not nearly as into Jane's Addiction as I am Nine Inch Nails but they were really fun to watch as well. NIN didn't play a LOT of the songs that I wanted them to, but it's ok. Songs that I wanted them to play that they didn't include: Lights In The Sky, We're In This Together, Starfuckers Inc., The Wretched, Closer, Ruiner, Terrible Lie, Down In It, Only, Every Day Is Exactly The Same, Survivalism, Capital G, and a bunch more. They did however play Hurt, which is my favorite song by them, and one of my favorite songs of all time. The saddest song ever written in my opinion.

Here are some videos from Wednesday starting with HURT:


"Gave Up"






"La Mer"

"Head Like A Hole"

"Somewhat Damaged"

"The Hand That Feeds"

They also played: March Of The Pigs, Piggy, The Fragile, and Wish.

Julia has been asleep for a while now, I want to fall asleep soon so that we can wake up around the same time and enjoy a nice day together. I hate being away from her even if it's just a matter of hours. It's like some emotional prison cell. I found a picture of her that she gave me when she was like 16 with a note on the back. I don't know if it's too personal of a note to post in my blog so I won't. Even then, we knew that we would always be in love with each other. We started dating on June 15th 2002, and in 9 days we will be celebrating our 7th anniversary. I think after that date I will make a sappy entry detailing how we met. A tragedy occurs every time we spend a fraction of a second away from each other. I don't care how corny any of this sounds, she is the only thing that keeps me going in life. In the words of Placebo "Without you, I'm nothing".

I'm going to end this entry now solely because this is roughly how long my entries usually are, and as of this moment, I'll stick to those guidelines.

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